Dark House

WARNING: The plot I am about to describe to you has not been altered to seem funnier/cheesier/ dumber than humanly possible.  All events described are 100% accurate of how they are depicted in the film. Here it goes: So, to start out on the right foot, I definitely didn’t catch any of the characters names in the film because it was of little to no importance to me.  The synopsis of the film is that the main character lived in an orphanage with 7 or so other children.  The woman that ran the orphanage went berzerk and decided to murder all the children except for her for no apparent reason, other than a devil or demonic force that told her to do so.  The main character is stuck being haunted by the memories of the mass murder and supposedly has some type of trauma that makes her act weird.  By some force of nature, the orphanage is reopened and revamped by the installation of thousands of laser and effects.  I’m not sure how this plot could have gotten any dumber, but it did.  The orphanage acts as a haunted house where a group of randoms are selected to go check it out (from my understanding).  If you are about to ask if the plot gets any worse, the answer is yes. The plot gets sooo much worse.  The characters are then attacked by what looks like “monsters” or whatever the fuck you want to call them, but it turns out they are merely holographic images complete with holographic blood.  This puts the group of morons (sorry, I mean complex and sophisticated characters) under the impression that everything that pops out at them and attacks them is merely just an illusion.

Here comes the part where you just didn’t think it could get any dumber: As the group goes through the “haunted house”, the illusions are taken over by ghosts and start turning out to be extremely real.  So as the ghosts and spirits attack random unsuspecting viewers, the rest of the group naturally assumes its more illusions and special effects that have been installed in the house.  As the plot unfolds the characters discover that they have indeed been watching their friends die and it was a little bit more than just some fake blood.  Obviously this movie was pretty shitty, solid 2 out of 5 stars, but the cheesiness factor was over the top.  It was funny, gory, and overall IQ-dropping.  It had to have been one of the dumbest movies I have ever seen, but I am recommending it because it was just so retarded; a solid B-Horror film that I was actually able to sit through.  The quality of the film wasn’t great, some of the acting was just abominable, the storyline was almost too dumb for me to admit to watching, but hey, if you’re into cheesy horror this could be your film.