Housebound

This movie………………. How can I convince you to watch this movie?……… 3/5 stars; is that enough to sell you? The film comes straight out of New Zealand, and the audience gets the privilege of hearing that beautiful Kiwi accent that I just love so much, now you interested? What if I told you the film took an unusual detour from your normal horror and added a few cheeky elements that actually made me end the film with all the good feels. Now do I have your attention? In its own way, this one is a bit of a cheeky, subtly hidden comedic horror.  The film starts out boring and stupid as all hell, I must admit.  The first 30-45 minutes were completely USELESS, you could actually skip the beginning if you really wanted to.  The director did an absolutely terrible job at laying the foundation for the film.  In the beginning, I found that the characters were quite bland, horrible acting, and just too boring for me to care about.  Enter into the 45-minute mark, and the film slowly starts building.  The movie is about a woman who can’t stop committing crimes and as a result is forced into house arrest in her childhood him with her ever-so-lucky mom and dad.  If you can take my word for how good this film is, please just accept that the first half of the film is a disaster and it gets better. Anyways, as said criminal is on house arrest, she hears lots of weird sounds coming from around the house and immediately suspects a ghost.  Upon exploration, she discovers that her childhood home was once a psych ward for insane and psychotic youth; and grisly murder once took place here, causing the mental institution to be shut down and then resold as a house.  Upon finding this information, she launches her own investigation into the murder of the patient many years ago and begins to uncover some secrets about the house, as well as some of the people in her small town.  At this point in the movie, I can honestly say it stops getting corny and starts getting real.  The flow and suspense-building are pretty on point.  Enter cheeky Kiwi humor and this film is suddenly quite a delight.  The only thing I can compare this to, is sitting on a roller coaster, getting strapped in, and getting propelled forward, only knowing that its going to be one exciting, fun ride from here on out. That’s pretty much how I felt.  The director did a great job at incorporating gore, suspense, humor, and intelligence all at the same time.  Only downfall is that these elements are only present in the second half of the movie, hence why I gave it only 3/5 stars.  If you can deal with my rating, then I would definitely go ahead and recommend this film.  The ending is pretty awesome and really throws your for one, as its as gory as it is funny and cheeky. I love Kiwi culture and their sense of humor.  This movie is a perfect example of what happens when this is successfully combined with an above average horror (again, I suck at selling films that are 3.5 stars or less).  Even though the horror wasn’t the best, I would say definitely check this film out, you’ll get a kick out of it. Let me know your thoughts on this one in the comments, thanks for reading this week’s horror review, hope everyone enjoyed!

Starry Eyes

If I could only pick one word to sum up this whole film, it would be “damn”.  Damn, that was a good film.  Damn, that was a completely unexpected turn of events.  Damn, I can’t wait to write a review on this newly discovered gem.  Because of my crippling laziness, I would hope that my one-word review, “damn” would be enough to convince you that ya, you need to see this movie.  If “damn” is not enough to merely convince, try this one for size: I’m giving the movie 4/5 stars.  To anyone who religiously reads my blog (first of all, thank you), you should know that anything above 3 stars is rare on my blog, thanks to my picky taste in horror.  However, I cannot recommend this film enough and hope that upon reaching the end of this film, you feel the same.  Overall this film was one of the weirdest and wackiest rides I’ve been on in ages. I absolutely loved the concept, if you can handle bizarre over-the-top films. The main character, whose name I forget because clearly I never pay attention to any names in films, is a struggling “actress” hoping to do whatever it takes to make it to the top.  From the beginning of the film, we can see she is more than just a pretty face and she is actually quite mad and deranged.  The casting directors which she auditions in front of display behavior that is as equally disturbing. During the course of the film, we aren’t quite sure if she is possessed by a spirit or if this disease she has contracted is merely eating her away.  Either way,this film compares to the recent horror movie “Contracted” in that she is slowly deteriorating all while she is losing her sanity.  The film continues to get weirder and weirder as she falls apart at the seams, which in turn is actually quite gruesome and gory.  This film ends with a bang as some of the most brutal scenes I have seen recently unfold in this nightmarish film.  The ending is just absolutely apeshit and makes sitting through the movie worth it.  If you find that you just aren’t enjoying the film, wait until the end comes.  I’m telling you, the crazy, blood-spattered finale is the cherry on top of this beautifully iced cake.  The acting is surprisingly good considering the cast is full of unknowns. I must admit, as much as I liked the concept of the film, I felt like it was a little too similar to the storyline of “Contracted”, another newer horror film. I want to give it points for originality, but I really feel like it copied this film a little too closely.  Other than that, this film is solid and blood-soaked.  Start your year off right with a good 4/5 star movie.  Let me know what you think in the comments!

Teeth

What a fun, comical, surprisingly gruesome little gem this was.  For a movie that’s about a girl whose vagina mutilates and castrates penises during sex (sounds oscar-worthy yeah?), this movie was much better than expected.  This is a strange little flick, about a high school girl that suffers from a mutation of some sort that leaves here with an extra set of teeth (can you guess where?).  Our main character, Dawn, is  girl who speaks out against the impurities of pre-marital sex and goes around local high schools preaching abstinence while flashing her promise ring and encouraging others to “make the promise”.  From here, it only gets weirder.  Dawn meets a boy she likes and begins spending time with him.  This leads her to discover the horror that lies within her (literally).  Dawn’s lady parts seem to get her into a lot of trouble, and not the good trouble I might add.  I’m talking about the type of trouble that will leave you cringing and gagging at some of the things you see on screen.  I wouldn’t say this movie is scary, not in the least bit.  Its more of a horror comedy with a taste for some serious gnarly gore.  I’m not going to say this movie was fantastic, because truly it didn’t seem like it took an Einstein to write the plot, but I would definitely have to recommend it; 3.5/ 5 stars easily.  Its fun and funny in its own way.  Dawn is a seemingly naive yet lovable, good-hearted, and smart character; a character in a movie that finally has some substance and is different than what I’m used to in “horror” movies.  The plot of the movie is as funny and original as it is gross and cringe-worthy.  I guarantee this is a story you haven’t heard before.  At some of the scenes I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or vomit.  Its a good mix of elements that’s made the movie worth watching for me.  If you’re looking for a gory laugh, this film definitely hits the spot. Enjoy the movie!

We Are What We Are

I must say, I am surprised at how good this movie was, and even more surprised that I’m giving it a 4/5 stars.  The amount of 1, 2, and barely 3-star “horror” films I have watched in the past few months has been depressing.  I had actually given up on the genre entirely and couldn’t be happier to have stumbled upon this gem to start restoring my faith.  I recommend this original horror to anyone that is ready for something NEW.  “We Are What We Are” is about a family of cannibals that have passed this “tradition” down from generation to generation.  When the mother in the film passes away, it is the two eldest daughters’ responsibilities to continue the tradition and not only kill, but cook the human flesh for the family.  I must admit, the film started out very slow and boring, almost to the point where I almost just stopped watching the movie.  However, when it gets good, it gets GOOD.  For the amount of time it took to get to the good parts of the film, it was worth every second.  This movie was not nearly as gory as I would have liked it to be (c’mon we’re talking cannibals and dead bodies, show some unrelenting brutality), but in reality some of the scenes were actually pretty nauseating.  Watching the family eat dinner was gross.  If you didn’t know it was actual human meat, you would have assumed it was just any family dinner (like I said, lacking on the gore).  But just the fact that you knew it was human meat made the dinner scenes nauseating to watch.  I must say, the acting and the characters were so DRAB.  This movie completely lacked in that department, I couldn’t have been more bored by them if I tried.  Seeing as the characters didn’t add anything to the film, the plot and the kill scenes are what made me give it such a good rating.  Everything was really original and at times it was more brutal than expected considering how boring some of the other components of the film were.  One of the scenes that truly struck me as just sick and amazing is when their backyard starts flooding and all the bones of all the bodies they have buried begin washing into the river behind their house.  I thought this scene was just epic and totally fresh.  The father jumps into the river and furiously tries to throw all the decomposing bodies and bones back onto their land, but unfortunately he is just outnumbered by limbs.  And let’s not forget the end of the film; all I have to say is that that scene is epic and badass on the account of the two daughters.  There’s lots of actions and twists and turns at the end of the movie.  A lot of what I saw was really original and didn’t replicate anything I have seen in previous horrors.  The cannibal genre is pretty untouched.  The Hannibal movies were extremely successful, but I haven’t seen any popular cannibalistic films since.  If you’re down to sit through a slow beginning, I would recommend this film.  I’m not going to say that this is an absolute “must-see”, but if you’re stuck in a horror rut with the same mindless garb that you have been watching over and over, try this one out for size and let me know if you enjoy it. Cheers!

**Nastiest Film Ever Alert**:Human Centipede 2

Over the years, I have seen some pretty nasty shit.  Shit that has caused me to have nightmares, shit that haunts my thoughts, shit that would make me pay thousands of dollars to just unsee it, but never in my life could I even imagine what I was about to see in the second installment of the Human Centipede.  To say that the Human Centipede 2 is the grossest movie I have ever seen, is an understatement. How about, Human Centipede 2 is the grossest movie present on the planet right now.  If there’s anything worse out there, lord have mercy on me because I could literally feel the vomit in my throat as I courageously pushed through this film.  When it comes to rating stars for this movie, there is just no way to do it, so I have decided this film deserves an award, rather than a rating.  After all the disgusting shit I have sat through during my horror movie watching career, this by far takes the cake and wins the award for “nastiest movie ever made”.  Just so we’re clear, by nasty I mean I wanted to stop the movie, stab my eyes out, and vomit uncontrollably because of the content of this film. Yes, it is that bad.  It makes the first Human Centipede look like a Disney film.

I’m not in any hurry to rush into revealing the content of the film, but its supposed to be about a mentally challenged sociopath that goes postal and decides to make a 12 person centipede using what he learned from seeing the original movie.  It sounds pretty damn dumb, and that was my first thought going into the film.  Shit starts to get real about 45 minutes into the film, and after that there is no turning back.  I cannot even stress how appalled I was at this film.  To give you an even better idea of just how fucked it is, there is probably only 5 minutes of dialogue in total, and the rest is moaning, groaning, and screaming (or just complete silence).  I’m not going to get into how graphic this film was, but I’m pretty sure you couldn’t pay me to watch this one again.  If you don’t already know the content of this film, don’t ask because you probably can’t handle it.  Never in a million years would I recommend this movie to anyone.  However, if you think you have had experience with watching the grossest movies known to man and haven’t yet seen this one, it will definitely give you a run for your money.

***NOTE:  Seeing as those of you who take the time out to actually read my reviews are probably as sick and twisted as I am, I’m sure many of you are now voraciously searching the internet for a link to this film.  I invite those of you who are courageous enough to sit through this film to “share your scare” with me because I would love to find out if this movie tops your nasty list as well.  Share your scare in the comment box below and I will absolutely love to have some discussion about the nastiness of the film. Enter with caution. And finally, *BEWARE* because what you see in this film cannot be unseen, no matter how hard you try…….

Excision

Excision left me at a loss for words.  I feel like I’m usually better with introductions but I’m not really sure where to start with this one.  I guess I will start with saying that even though I am head over heels in love with this movie and want to watch it again, I am only giving it a 4 out of 5 stars.  As perfect as the movie almost was, there were shortcomings that translated to me deducting a total point from it’s overall score.  In hopes that I can make this review somewhat readable, I will start with the basic plot of the story.  Pauline (perfectly played by AnnaLynne McCord) is a 17 year old possibly lesbian misfit.  She has thoughts of necrophilia and sexual perversion beyond even my imagination and she chooses to carry herself in a sociopath-type manner.  The film is strange, and as a character she is even stranger.

The character traits that McCord takes on as an actress to successfully pull this off is just downright jaw-dropping.  I almost couldn’t believe McCord, who I refer to as the pretty girl on tv, had the talent and balls to do what she did in the movie.  As Pauline, she is completely narcissistic, sociopathic, sexually disturbed, perverse, and egomaniacal.  She starts out in the movie as just your average, creepy teenage outcast, but her alienation from her mother and her opposition to her family’s religious beliefs take her in a direction that she has no control over.  This leads her down an insanely bizarre road that makes the film visually striking.  The scenes where blood is present are the most disturbing.  As it is, the make up used on McCord to bring her from beauty queen to caveman lookalike make her look creepy as hell.  Along with her bony body, she just has a completely off-putting appearance.  McCord works the hell out of the angles and the camera in making herself the creepiest she can possibly be.  Adding blood to the already eccentric and unstable Pauline amounts to disaster and she does things on screen that make the audience cringe and squirm.

This isn’t just your typical gore film, its so much more.  The realness of the characters and the plot make the viewer almost fall into the movie.  Its not necessarily the gore that makes it such a sick film, I believe it is Pauline.  Pauline is addictive, in that the viewer cannot stop watching this out of control train wreck as she spins in a very downward spiral.  She acknowledges her chemical imbalance and is completely aware of the fact that she needs psychological help, yet her delusions get the best of her and her crazy and twisted fantasies are what drive her to carry out the insane actions witnessed in the film.  I have been raving and raving about this film because it is so original, so perfectly directed, and so watchable, but now its time for a bit of a rant and for me to justify giving it only 4 stars.  I felt like the climax in the film wasn’t enough.  As much as the film was badass and I can’t wait to watch it again, I feel it was lacking.  Obviously I have gone on raving about how good the characters were, but that wasn’t the problem.  For how insane and just completely fucked Pauline is, I thought the plot would be a bit more dramatic.  She does all this nasty stuff, but I don’t think it adds to the film and the plot the way I wanted it to, rather it adds to her character development.  I felt like watching the character development was better than watching the plot, which is always a minus in my book.  Although Pauline is a girl I will never forget, the purpose of the film almost doesn’t seem to exist.  She does all this crazy shit, but once you start getting towards the end, you wonder what the point of the whole story is.  I get that its edgy, and bizarre, and thrilling, but what was the whole purpose of this film? I felt like it was mostly just about a crazy character, but the plot itself wasn’t strong enough to be good without psycho Pauline there to move it along.

I have to recommend this film as a top priority for anyone that loves fucked up shockers that define the line between normal people and possible nutjobs.  Just everything about the visuals and the acting is beautiful and makes the movie one to remember.  As far as plot goes, it wasn’t the strongest, like I said, but it’s fucking nuts and I don’t think you will regret watching this film.  It is an absolute roller coaster ride with lots of jaw-dropping thrills and surprises.  Are you done reading this review yet? Time to go watch Excision.